For Better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health…. but what about RETIREMENT??????
Those vows did not include being together 24/7, every single day! Did they?
My friend asked me to write about this topic (yes you CAN request topics, and I will do my best). I have been thinking about this because it is for sure a concern. A lot of my friends are single so their issues are very different, and I’m sure many of them would want our problems. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Experts (I don’t know who those experts are) say if we all dumped our problems out to view, most of us would keep our own. Probably because they are familiar and we have already been dealing with them.
So, what does this 24/7 look like? It definitely varies between men and women. I did not realize that my dear husband, John, would LOVE watching old movies on The Grit Channel; and yell at me to come look! When I run in there, from whatever I am doing, he asks “who is that actor, actress”. AKKKK!! John said he didn’t realize I would become so bossy! Really? Me? I can’t imagine! These are things that are annoying and funny at the same time. If you want to stay sane you have to find a way to allow them to be funny. And yes, I guess I am more bossy because I see what he is doing; when I was working outside the home, he was here alone. If I asked what he did today he’d say nothing. True enough.
John also talked about making decisions. When we were both working full time, we didn’t really care about decisions so much, we just made them, and we moved on. Now we have to discuss everything, probably because we have to talk about something! Like, do we want another dog? What kind of dog? Who will train, walk, feed the dog? This one has been going on in our house for months. No dog has appeared, although day to day the decision changes. Vacations? Do we or don’t we? Cruise, drive, fly? Where? What do we do when we get there? AND the ever important where do we go to lunch/dinner? What are YOU hungry for? It takes forever to agree on this important almost daily decision.
Life is full of new decisions that we both have very different ideas. John is more conservative than I am, and I get bored easy. I need to stay busy, if not, i get itchy and need to do something.
Of course, we ALL love retirement and our significant others. It should go unsaid but sometimes it doesn’t come across that way. We had a friend that complained constantly about her husband. My John used to tell her all the time to get divorced and then she would be highly offended. But John would tell her if he was that awful maybe it needed to be considered. The answer was always, I love him, but he drives me nuts!
I asked random people what their thoughts were on all this, I originally intended to post the responses by men and women categories, but it seems to be more interesting this way.
The husband of the first couple I talked with said he was surprised at how often his wife shopped; it seemed like she was always running to the store for one thing or another. The wife said he was always asking what’s for breakfast, what’s for lunch? Even though she says he can make it himself, there still has to be something in the house to cook. Right? After retirement, he started a small business that keeps him busy. She encourages him to call friends to work with him so that he has help and interaction with others.
Several women mentioned that when they retired, they lost one boss and gained a new one. Apparently, our spouses have known all along how to cook, do laundry and clean the house. And they are quite willing to give extra tips on how to do it more efficiently. The good news is since they have so much experience, they are now helping with the chores. Great solution ladies! Other women said they were not prepared to answer the questions of a two-year-old, fend off the octopus arms of a seventeen-year-old and watch a geriatric old man snore in his chair the rest of the day when there are only two of us in the house. One says I also wasn’t expecting to have him kiss every time I get up or walk in the room and listen to Honey! I love you every fifteen minutes for the rest of my life. Don’t forget the ever asked “where did you put ???” Of course, this is only in jest but until we learn to adjust to the 24/7 it can be irritating.
At the other end of the spectrum is when our next couple “retired” they decided to work together in their own business, and he says he has a different and higher level of respect for his wife now. He is especially proud of all she has learned and can do since they started working together. This is physical labor, and she kills it!
I think the single people responses were what I expected. One lady missed companionship, not having to make all the decisions on her own. Cuddling, laughing at private jokes and someone who can fix most anything. She had a gem! And yes, sex. Even at 55+, we still got it! (from ages 55 to 80, several people said sex by the way!) We are alone, not dead! Another friend said she missed someone to discuss the day’s events, it’s really quiet after work she says. And yet another said she misses nothing! After her husband died, she was lost for a while. But has now found a way to love living on her own. She is free to do what she wants, when she wants and not be accountable to anyone or anything. Bravo!
Learning to maneuver this retirement stuff can be challenging. If you are a routine person, it’s hard to find a new routine when you can do whatever you want. And it is also easy to get stuck in a routine that needs more variety. John and I get into that trap, and we have to fight our way out of it. There is nothing wrong with it if it works for you. For me, I need to be doing something!
I do find it interesting how many people end up going back to work, either full or part time. It isn’t always a financial reason, it is a boredom reason. I personally planned my retirement around me being a part time realtor. It has ended up being full time but I feel much more fulfilled when I am working than when I am not. I have several friends that are the same. The extra money is nice but not the driving force.
I’d like to tell you I have all the answers, but I do not. Since I live in a 55+ community I see the success stories and I see the sad stories. People who appear to be thriving are usually very active, social, committed to a cause or charity. I have also found that there are a lot of people who are not comfortable going to an activity alone, they need someone to accompany them. It’s tough to walk into a room of strangers alone. If you know your neighbor a little bit, ask them to lunch, or bingo, or book club, or bible study. You don’t have to do it every week, just get them started!
I also hear “it’s all so clicky”. Yes, it can be, but I think that is an excuse. I have a lot of acquaintances, some friends and a few very good friends. But I am friendly with most everyone. Ok, granted it comes natural to me. Meeting new people doesn’t mean they will be your besties, but you never know. When you are participating in an activity that you enjoy with others that enjoy it too, you are starting out with a common thread that can grow.
So GET OUT THERE! Call someone, talk to your neighbor. Take a chance. I always ask, “what is the worst thing that can happen?” If you can live with that, then go do it. I get my feelings hurt, I get mad, I feel stupid, I fall down (literally and figurative) and it can be humiliating but I get back up. Change your mindset. I like to sing karaoke, I am not great, I am OK. But if someone thinks they can do it because I did it, I am happy. I’m not looking to be a rock star; I just want to have fun. I don’t want to miss a moment!
MY LIFE IN A 55 PLUS 